AVE YOU EVER found yourself thinking, "Why, The Wizard of Oz is just chock full of dialog that applies to nearly every aspect of one's life, isn't it?" or, "Gosh, this tiresome chore of dusting seems so utterly pointless, doesn't it?"

If you have found yourself thinking these thoughts, stop it, because I thought of them first. What's more, I've written very amusing essays about them and other fascinating topics.

I understand that "essay" is derived from the French verb essayer, meaning "to try." I further understand that bandying a French word here and there does not qualify me as bilingual, although it does increase my chances of being taken more seriously.

But, wait! My goal is not to be taken more seriously, rather it is to leave you in pools, or les piscines, of hilarity. If that's taking it a bit far, perhaps a pre-moistened towelette of mainly pleasant sensations.

See what you think. And feel free to write,

but only if you have something nice to say. Here's an example of a nice thing to say:

"Dear Ms. Heidel: I am the Senior Editor of <<hip/expensive/snotty>> Magazine, and I can't stop laughing over your hilarious essays! I'm dying here!! We at <<hip/expensive/snotty>> Magazine would love nothing more than to publish at least one, if not all, of your hilarious essays on fascinating topics!! Naturally we will pay you gobs of money, so quit that day job toute de suite, as the French would say!!! Yours sincerely . . ."


(Now translated into ONE language!!*)

My columns for Happy Woman Magazine (Alas, HW is now archival only. Weeping and exclamations of "Dear God, no!" are wholly appropriate responses to the sad news.)