Now THIS is entertainment.
HAT BETTER WAY to kick off our fabulous Holiday Special for 2011 than to introduce our Host with the Most, that Naughty Boy himself, Anthony Wiener!! Taking a break from marriage therapy and accompanied in song by the lovely Twitterettes, Anthony charms the audience with his joyous Holiday medley, featuring such nostalgic favorites as "(I) Have a Holly Jolly Christmas (Package)," "Angels We Have Heard Get High," "Deck the Halls with Babes Named Holly" andoh, my goodness, what is all the ruckus?! Step aside, Anthony, because here comes Mr. Snow himself, Charlie "Jingle Bells" Sheen and his latest bevy of Holiday Goddesses! Merriment and mayhem ensue as Charlie tears up whatever his current contract is, and the Twitterettes get their festive derrières kicked by a flurry of Goddess stilettos to the rhythms of Charlie's new Christmas classic, "Santa Claus, Kiss My Ass"!
And who are those spooky apparitions floating onto our stage? Are they the Ghosts of Christmas Past and Future?? Only if one has fangs! Why, it's Twilight's own Edward and Jacob, dripping with holiday spirit and ready to meet and greet our full-blooded audience of the living! Watch out for that Edward, ladies, unless you don't mind wearing winter white for all eternity!! Although our gracious vampire soon departs, Jacob, whose inner wolf emerges at the sight of some charmers in the front row, needs a trail of Kibbles 'n Bits to coax him backstage! Down, Boy!!
Speaking of fangs and flared nostrils, if it isn't Ms. Holiday Prosecutor herself, Nancy Grace, riding in on her motorized Revenge sleigh, dashing through our stage, breathing fire all the way! Pronouncing us all "guilty as charged," Nancy's flame-throwing nostrils light the Yule log with expert precision, leaving us all warm and cozy, that is until her Holiday Sentencing Squad arrives!
But wait! It's the Holiday Republican Debater Elves, here to save the day by confusing the "dickens" out of the Sentencing Squad while delighting our audience with their special brand of Holiday Non Sequiturs! That was close!! As we sit back with some festive nog, hear Michele Elf say things like "Newt Romney!" and "My husband's not gay!! Or Rick Elf say, "Now Dasher, now Dancer, now, um, ummmoops!" and Santorum Elf say, "Don't Google my name!!"
Although we adore our Debater Elves, they don't seem to want to ever stop! Blah, blah, blah!! But look, the Debater Elves are being lifted into the air! Michele Elf is freaking out a little, and can you blame her? She's being drawn into the heavenly rafters of our studio by our very special guest, Harold Camping! Not content to wait another minute for the Lord, Harold the Holiday Rapture Man is taking airborne duties into his own hands! Given the stubborn nature of our Republican Debater Elves, we consider the feat quite a Christmas miracle! Thank you, Holiday Rapture Man!!
As the elves leave us, two figures rise like angels from the snowwhy it's the royal couple, William and Kate, sitting atop our Holiday Wedding Cake! But just as they burst into "The Twelve Days of Christmas," Kim Kardashian pushes the Duchess of Cambridge away and grabs the Holiday Wedding Microphone! Meow!!
Kim tries desperately to hold the stage to finish her "72 Days of Marriage," but after "71 diamonds sparkling" we make swift use of our Holiday Hook and yank the sizzling divorcée off stage, where she promptly gets engaged to Metta World Peace, who is waiting in the wings for our finale. Congrats, love birds!!
Metta, as promised, leads our festive finale, holding his Holiday pooch, Betta-Bow-Wow, and introducing the OWS singers, who regale us with songs of peace and goodwill for all, except predatory lenders! The Occupy Chorus plans to stay right where they are for the duration, so we won't say Good Night, just Happy Holidays, everyone!!
©12.20.11 Kate Heidel