I'm Sure You'll Agree

our mailbox has undoubtedly yielded more than one Objective Survey sent by politicians of various stripes. Questions therein contain unbiased inquiries such as "Do you agree with my tax policy of saving our local economy vs. my opponent's tax policy of flushing our local economy down the crapper?" Hmmm, well that objective question will take a little time for me to sort out.

Meanwhile, inspired by the civic mindedness of our public servants, I've developed my own survey with unbiased questions for you, the General Public, to weigh in on. All replies will be kept confidential unless you add sarcastic remarks to "yes" or "no," in which case I will reveal your identity, plus send you more and more surveys until you run screaming into the ocean.

Part I: My Hair

1.Do you agree that $75 for an all-over foil color treatment is a downright bargain when it will, guaranteed, restore luster to my once naturally lustrous hair?yesno
2.Do you support my creation of a fund for the permanent upkeep of the aforementioned all-over foil for the purpose of maintaining luster, which will, in its own small way, don't ask how, contribute to our national security in these troubled times?yesno
3.Or do you support my opponent's (mother's) anti-American views concerning funds set up for maintaining luster?yesno
4.Are you concerned that, if luster is not maintained, my opponent's anti-American views will gain a dangerous foothold toward the erosion of our American freedoms, including the freedom to defend against dull and listless hair?yesno

Part II: My Shoes

1.Do you agree that no one can own enough black shoes? —given the enormous variety of clothing styles worn above shoes.yesno
2.Do you support my ownership of at least 20 pairs of black shoes for the purpose of representing my country properly in the eyes of a critical European media, not to mention contributing to the health of the American economy, at least in the shoe sector?yesno
3.Are you concerned that a funding shortfall might afflict the nonblack segment of my shoe wardrobe, thus leading to a potential disturbance in U.S.-European diplomatic relations because of European media snickering related to the shoe crisis?yesno
4.Do you support a redistribution of my opponent's ill-advised savings plan, a politically motivated scheme to hoard wealth that rightly belongs to all Americans? Specifically to this American, who actually works for a living but still needs extra cash for shoes?yesno
5.Do you have any idea how much it costs to keep a woman in shoes these days?? I will fill this one in for you. NO—I thought I did, but it turns out I was horribly mistaken. Please solicit me for a large cash donation.

Part III: My Wardrobe

1.Do you support the maintenance of a classic wardrobe that, because it stands the test of time, will obviously provide a bulwark of national security in a manner that precludes explanation because as I said it's obvious?yesno
2.Should Congress pass a class action reform bill that will prevent irresponsible Americans, such as my opponent, from bringing unfounded allegations of overspending re: my clothing budget, which in fact has remained well under the national debt ceiling for three years (not consecutive)?yesno
3.Do you agree that no wardrobe is complete unless it includes a respectably-sized closet of current trends? As a follow up, don't you further agree that keeping up with fashion tells those would-be terrorists just where they can stuff their tapered pants? —which are so unstylish that it almost physically hurts to see references to myself and you-know-what in the same sentence.yesno
4.Do you believe that the hysterical posturing of my opponent amounts to little more than a calculated effort to distract loyal Americans from the real issues, and that it also makes her a Silly-Wan Kenobi?yesno
Please respond to the survey below regarding the previous survey.
1.This important survey helped me to:
a.understand you better.
b.realize how little I knew about your sartorial dilemmas.
c.want to shake some sense into your opponent.
d.join the struggle in Nicaragua.
2.I never knew that:
a.a person could live with fewer than 20 pairs of black shoes.
b.anyone still wore tapered you-know-what.
c.your opponent could be so unreasonable.
d.Nicaragua? Is that a fashion district?
3.Completing your survey makes me:
a.a better American.
b.more savvy about terrorism.
c.jealous of your hair's recaptured luster.
d.impervious to disease.
4.If there's one thing I've learned, it's that Nicaragua is:
a.a fashion district.
b.a shoe designer.
c.a smoking-cessation product.
d.the word for "faux fur" in the language that has the word "Nicaragua" in it.