ONALD TRUMP'S boardroom. The members of losing Team Freedom nod at Mr. Trump as he takes his seat.
Trump: Hello, everyone. This is getting to be a bad habit. So, George, you really lost big on this task. Team New Direction annihilated youit wasn't even close, right?
George: Hey, not that bad, Mr. Trump!
Trump: George, you were hammered. Team New Directiontalk to the winning project manager on my rightwouldn't you agree, Hillary, you really killed 'em, right?
Hillary: I'd say, yes, Mr. Trump, we were very successful.
Trump: You killed 'em, don't be modest. I hate false modesty.
Hillary: Well, yes, Mr. Trump, we did pretty much kill them.
George: Heh-heh. Like hell, Hillary. Hell-a-ry.
Hillary: George, remember, I was there too when the comments came out. For your team it was words like "ugly," "unimaginative," "bordering on tasteless." For our team I heard phrases like "clever," "professional," and "great at pinpointing our target audience."
George: I'd call it tough luck. We rule, Hell-ar-y.
Trump: How do you rule, George? You stink is more like it. George, they killed you. Your campaign was a disaster. Look at this piece of crap you put out for the Sunday supplement. I mean it's terrible, you weren't even selling to your audience.
Condi: If I may, Mr. Trump, I think George's unique approach to selling toothpaste was absolutely inspired.
Trump: Inspired? What's inspired? Toothpaste smeared on the tip of a pistol?
Trump: I mean it's disgusting, really. I can't say on television what it reminds me of. But, George. Look at New Direction's ad. You're not in their league. The whole family's in there, it's healthy and the whole thing looks professional. Yours is a complete disaster. Whose idea was the pistol, George?
George: Magnum. Dirty Harry, heh-heh.
Condi: Mr. Trump, I think what George meant to convey in his highly original choice of imagery is that yellow teeth don't stand a chance with Colgate's new whitening formula.
Trump: But your ad doesn't say that anywhere. That's not a bad idea when you tell me now, but your ad completely blew it. Hey, not a bad pun.
Hillary: Excellent pun, sir.
Condi: But sir, George meant that the magnum power of Colgate would blast away the yellow.
Trump: "Blast away the yellow," why didn't you at use that as your slogan? It's still a disgusting image, but at least you'd have a decent slogan. Instead you use, let me take a look at it again. No, instead you say, "Kill the grimy bastards." And it's really disgusting, Condi, you have to admit. Toothpaste smeared on a gun. Am I right, Hillary?
Hillary: Yes, sir, it really is quite distasteful when you look at it.
George: Magnum. Boom!
Trump: I don't care what kind of weapon it is, George, it's disgusting. My daughter's sitting here, and I can hardly look at her.
George: Hey, Ivanka.
Ivanka: Kindly don't wink at me.
George: Oops! No winkie, heh-heh.
Ivanka: George, your task this week was to create an original Sunday supplement to sell Colgate's new maximum whitening formula. The executives even told you that you needed to focus on the entire family and demonstrate effectively that the whitening formulation was safe for all ages. You couldn't have drifted further from the stated objectives of your client. And I watched their reaction during your presentation, George, and it was clear that they were not only extremely confused, but I would venture to say also that the Vice President of Marketing appeared somewhat miffed.
George: Vanka, whew! Mouthful there.
Trump: EE-vanka, George, and I'm sitting right here and you're winking at my daughter. You're not exactly winning points over here. So let me ask the rest of the team, what did you think of George's leadership on this task? Condi, I know you love the guy. I'm hearing rumors, but let's not get into that right now. Dick. What do you think of George as a project manager?
Dick: We need firm resolve in these dangerous times. George is the kind of manager we can trust to lead us in the face of those who would do us harm.
Trump: "Dangerous times"? What dangerous times? Hillary, is your team trying to hurt these scared little boys and girls over here on Team Freedom?
Dick: Dangerous in terms of whose ideals will be allowed to win, Don.
Trump: "Don"? Did you call me Don? Did he call me Don?
Ivanka: Yes, I believe
Dick: We can allow the tactics of compromise and manipulation to trick the American family into buying toothpaste, or we can respect them enough to tell them the truth. Yellow teeth will kill any chance you have to grab the American dream. We promise to do everything in our power to defeat the enemy. Or you can allow disloyalty to win the day and
Hillary: I resent your characterization of our ad campaign, Dick.
Trump: Hillary, wait. Dick, you lost the task, it's that simple. And you're awfully close to getting fired, calling me Don. What the hell is that? Melania doesn't even call me Don. I hate that nickname. And it's Mr. Trump to you, you know that, right?
Dick: I apologize Mr. Trump, but these are dangerous
Trump: Yeahyeah. Dick. This is a toothpaste ad for the Sunday supplement. The only danger you're in is maybe getting your ass fired tonight, I hope you understand that.
George: Ol' Dickie fired! Bye-bye Dickie!
Trump: George, I have to say, you're not really all that great lately. You won a few tasks, and I thought you were a winner. But you come in here lately, losing task after task, and you never come up with a strong reason why I shouldn't fire you. Why shouldn't I fire you tonight, George?
Ivanka: George, he needs a compelling reason not to fire you. Tell us why you should stay.
George: Uh, I've been a winner. I WIN things! And I'm a learner. I believe in learning, a strong belief. And fun times! Lots of fun and learning, it's a winning combination! On Team Freedom, that is, heh-heh, no offense Hillary!
Trump: George, you know I could tell you to choose someone to bring back into the boardroom. I could send you out, bring you back with your choice. But I have to say, George, you're just not winning like you used to. You consistently lose tasks, and maybe you have a thing with Condi, maybe not, who knows.
Ivanka: A complete distraction from your goal.
Trump: And George, you're a nice enough guy, but you just haven't been able to come up with a reason why I shouldn't fire you. And George, you're fired.
George: Winning more in the future!
Trump: George, I just fired you. Go. Now. All of you, go on. Thank you.
George: Whoa! Headin' off! Airport time, heh-heh.
Team Freedom exits the boardroom.
Trump: There really was no other choice. He had to go.
Ivanka: I totally agree.
Hillary: You made the only choice you could, sir.
© 2007 Kate Heidel