photo credit: ...love Maegan
HESE DAYS, packing for any trip is stressful, what with all those impossible airport rules and regs. No manicure scissors?! Have a heart, darlings!
But very special considerations apply when it comes to packing for your first romantic getaway with the new love of your life. Do you bring the demure nightgown or the slutty see-through number? Do you pack contingency birth control, or assume he's got that covered? Look no further!
If you're the proud owner of a critter, now's the time to test your new man's love of animals, or more to the point, his love of YOUR animal. It could be he's a sneezer or a hiver, and wouldn't you rather know it now, before you've maxed all your plastic on a fabulous new-boyfriend wardrobe?
In our humble opinion, if Mr. New doesn't offer to hold your critter carrier at the airport terminal, he's already lost points. However, be sure to award bonus points if he makes cute faces or baby noises at critter while waiting in line. That would be bonding! What would not be bonding includes his kicking the carrier ahead as you move toward the front of the line, placing the carrier on a fresh wad of gum and claiming it will now be stuck there forever, or taking the carrier into the men's room and bringing it back empty.
Before you grow despondent, there are exceptions to every rule! The following classics can and indeed should accompany you on any romantic getaway:
An Affair to Remember, with Deborah Kerr and Cary Grant. What man could resist the drama, the suspense?? And those accents! It is to swoon. If your travel companion cannot appreciate this romantic tour de force, who are you kidding? Book a separate room and call down for popcorn.
Father of the Bride, with Spencer Tracy and Elizabeth Taylor. A dewy young Taylor plays bride-to-be, while Tracy is simply hilarious as her over-stressed father. Nostalgic laughter galore! This is a cuddle-down movie, ladies, so if he has the nerve to doze off mid-flick, invite critter to give him a deserved nip in the you-know-where-iere.
Brief Encounter, a veddy British production featuring steamed-up train platforms, a no-holds-barred piano score by THE Rachmaninoff, and doomed love. omg! If this doesn't grab him, what will?! Should he somehow fail to demonstrate an immediate, overwhelming response, make this trip your own brief encounter and beat it out of there. Always remember ladies: most classic movies are better than most men. It's true!
Does that sound Obsessive-Compulsive? Then let us ask: When did you stop caring about freshness? Are you 100 percent sure the ones you're packing look as good as new? Really? Because we're not. Whatever happened to paper underwear? Then we could change every time we went to the little girl's room! What if the only pair you have left etches visible panty lines onto your slacks, because you forgot to wear that pair with a skirt, where they wouldn't show? And now you look like a big Don't.
Speaking of don't, don't look at us if you run out of panties and now you're going commando, leaving hygiene behind and a few certain somethings in your zipper. Speaking of packing, you should probably pack it in and go home. Get a fresh start, and we mean fresh.
Nothing says "Whistler's Mother" like half a wool sock hanging from a pair of needles. And for those rainy indoor days, whatever you do, ladies, don't pull out needlepoint in a frame and fill in one single daisy petal. You might as well dye your hair blue and lay some doilies.
Crossword puzzles are not much better, especially if you require glasses for the activity. Fill in 36 Down with "He's not in the mood" if you're going to peer over your specs to ask, "What's an eight-letter word starting with 'j' meaning 'yellow'?" Who cares, grandma? Can we go home now??
You may bring a book if you wish, but nothing that will make him feel inferior. Jane Austen, for example, is much too clever and will shrink his brain. But "Heroes of Football" by former coach John Madden is not a bad choice at all. You can pretend you care about a violent sport! Just watch your man's lust kick a field goal, or whatever scores the most points in American football!!
And finally, regarding which nightie to pack and whether to bring birth control, simply search our fabulous archives for "Are You a Slut?" and complete the fun little questionnaire! Bon voyage!!
© 2010 Kate Heidel