How to Be a Happy Woman

... Fortrel Celanese Polyester!
photo credit: x-ray delta one   Creative Commons License

LWAYS REMEMBER, ladies: Happiness is one of your most basic must-haves, right up there with Sexiness and Denial. However, you do have a choice of which of the four major Bliss Formats to call your own. And wouldn't you know, we've got them all laid out, right here in one teensy article. Are we your one-stop shop or what?

Generic Happy

This format is great for you beginners out there who are intimidated by the thought of specializing or of mentoring others. (Hint for Happiness #1: Generics cost less, too!)

To attain generic happiness, all you need is a nice medium-intensity smile, which works as well for public outings as it does at the dinner table with friends and family. You'll be amazed at how little additional effort is required beyond swiping your credit card or passing the pickle tray. Soon you will learn what the wisest sage knows: Happiness is not so much how you feel as what other people think you feel! (Hint for Happiness #2: Smiling as you drift off to sleep increases your chances of erotic dreams starring George Clooney!)

Slap Happy

If you've always wanted to be the lucky gal who gets arrested at an all-night shindig for repeatedly howling at the moon on the front lawn, this one's for you! "How does she do that?" you're asking, because you've been more than tipsy on occasion and yet you've never felt like baying, not even once. (Hint for Happiness #3: Most calendars display the cycles of the moon!)

To achieve slap happiness, try one or more of our patented motivators:

- Compute all addition and subtraction without the aid of a calculator for at least two days. Get everything wrong and liberally bang your head against the wall.

- Pierce your temples and insert studs. You may not believe it, but you're already the life of the party just standing there.

- Call your mother-in-law and try to see her side of things for the entire conversation, which will last forever because you're not allowed to hang up until she completely runs out of topics.

- Attend a Pentecostal service and get all riled up until you're speaking in tongues and waving your arms around like a crazy person. Practice at home until you can do it all on your own. (Hint for Happiness #4: You'll find lots of free language translation tools on the Internet!)

"I'm All Right, Really" Happy

Multitasking is so in these days. Therefore it is sometimes necessary, even preferable, to be miserable and happy at the same time. We firmly believe this is why martyrs were invented! Yes, martyrdom is a very old practice, but we highly suspect that the burning of Christians was history's prelude to a 21st-century woman's right to massage her forehead and sigh, "I'm fine, really. It's just this splitting headache. But you go on ahead without me." Who says history is boring!

Martyred happiness ranks as the simplest bliss format to achieve, thanks to years and years of training sessions provided to you free of charge by parents, other relations, talented teachers, and, if you were really lucky, nuns, who pretty much take a vow of martyrdom: Chastity and Poverty, hello! (Hint for Happiness #5: “The Flying Nun” is now available on Blue Ray!)

And here's a bonus upside to martyred happiness: as your contentment quotient rises, others' fall proportionally, providing the perfect equilibrium your psyche craves. Just think of it as doing your little part to maintain inner balance. It's that whole yin-yang thing. What more could a psyche ask?!

Beyond Happy

Some women are content to be merely happy, and we support that. However, a few brave souls want to scale peaks of happiness that no woman, save she who can binge without gaining an ounce, could ever hope to reach. But how, you ask?

Although we're treading on largely uncharted territory, we are nonetheless quite intrepid! Throwing caution to the wind, we hereby theorize that quantum physics has something to do with happiness of the extraordinary kind. (Hint for Happiness #6: Explore a mall you've never been to and discover new worlds!)

Quantum scientists smash tiny particles together in giant circular tracks called "colliders." The researchers say they are trying to simulate the beginning of the universe. Oh, my! We'll bet dollars to doughnuts the very key to cosmic happiness will be theirs as well if they are successful.

Now, women across the globe are forever colliding with objects in the course of a busy day, yet not one of them has reported ecstasy as a result. So, we further theorize that quantum scientists are smashing things together—scientifically! We must support them in their work, so that we can all learn how to collide our way to extreme happiness!

If you discover a particle collider in your town, hold a bake sale to keep it running. (Hint for Happiness #7: Compact Fluorescents stretch your energy dollar!) If your charming hamlet does not currently host a collider, call your city council and suggest they set one up pronto. Time's a wastin'! They can build it right next to the landfill, where there are literally tons of particles free for the colliding.

And while we wait impatiently for our scientific bliss breakthrough, we know we can always fall back on the accumulated wisdom of women down the ages, and emulate their inspiring example. We can paint our toenails.