Could there be more merriment packed into one evening's entertainment? We think not!
photo credit: chiaralily
ELCOME, ladies and gentlemen, to our fabulous Holiday Special, 2014 edition!!
We must announce right at the top of the show a little change to our star-studded lineup. First, we were going to have the fabulous Kanye West as our host for this evening's festivities, but unfortunately Kanye's calendar got booked solid with controlling his wife Kim's every move! We understand, Kanye!!
Not to worry, though! We know you'll be equally thrilled to meet the new host of our show, none other than hilarious comic Bill Cosby!! His calendar just happens to be totally free! Why, it's our first Holiday Miracle!!
No Holiday Special would be complete without an exhaustive medley of overly familiar song favorites! So please welcome to our stage the incomparable Beyoncé!!
Oh, dear, that doesn't appear to be Beyoncé, does it?!! But it is her less-talented sister, the ever-entertaining, at least in elevators, Solange Knowles!!
Our Holiday orchestra doesn't miss a beat as it launches into "Here Comes Santa Claus," but Solange is looking a little peeved. Goodness, she's headed for our conductor! She's slapping him upside the head!! We need a Holiday Intervention!!!
Right on cue, our Holiday Secret Service Team bursts onto the scene to restore order! But there appears to be much swaying and swearing among the ranks!!
We don't mind confessing we thought we might experience our first Holiday Disaster, ladies and gentlemen! However, Ms. Knowles and the Secret Service immediately bond over their respective inappropriate behaviors! The whole crew and Solange roll off stage together in a state of pure Holiday revelry and entirely too much merriment! Please don't trash the dressing rooms, guys and gals!!
But without Beyoncé or Solange or Kanye, what shall we do to regale you with song?
Not a moment too soon, here come the Singing Holiday Mascots for Washington State and Colorado, skipping joyfully on stage, while plumes of some delightful Holiday Incense waft from their colorful pipes and drift toward our lovely studio audience! Why, that's not incense, it's Holiday Marijuana! It's beginning to look quite recreational around here!!
The Holiday Mascots are well into their rousing medley when a rather stumpy little man dressed all in black marches onto our festive stage. Goodness gracious, it's none other than Kim Jong-un, the un-pleasingly plump tyrant of North Korea!
Our Holiday Translators tell us Mr. un is gloating over the recent Sony hack attacks!
Seeing how Sony is one of our fabulous sponsors, we must tell you, leader of the Dark Nation, that you are most "un" invited to our Holiday Soirée!
However, the incredibly naughty little fellow refuses to leave our stage! But have no fear, everyone, for we have a secret Holiday Weapon! Here comes that Ukrainian scamp, Vitalii Sediuk! That's right, the very same naughty journalist who kissed Will Smith and tried to get under all kinds of celebrity skirts!!
Kim Jong-un is not loving Vitalii's ardent advances, and quickly waddles off stage while our Holiday Gay-Marriage Choir sings him out with, "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas"!!
Well, folks, it's already time for us to say, "Good Night and Good Cheer," but where has our illustrious host disappeared to?? Why, there he is, mingling with a delightful group of cheerleaders who bussed in to be part of our Holiday audience! He appears to be pouring egg nog for the gals!
Luckily, the lovely Princess Elsa of Frozen fame has been rehearsing right down the hall, so we enlist her to freeze Bill Cosby in place until we can get his special nog tested by our Holiday Lab Elves! Unfortunately it will take them twenty-four hours to discover whether our host has been very naughty!! Oh, well, at least his calendar is open!!
Happy Holidays, everyone!!
© 12.18.14 Kate Heidel