Almost too much fun and excitement under one festive roof, everyone!
photo credit: nikkitambo
OOD EVENING, ladies and gentleman, and welcome to our fabulous Holiday Special for 2015!! Time passes so quickly! Although it was already two Specials ago, it seems like only yesterday we were begging Miley Cyrus to don some apparel for our stage that didn’t require an adult entertainment license!
We have a marvelous lineup for you again this year, but before we bring out our first guest, please give a warm holiday welcome to our gorgeous hostess for the evening, none other than Ms. Caitlyn Jenner!!
Resplendent in a scarlet gown and diamond candelabra earrings, the lovely lady formerly known as Olympic gold medalistand, we simply must say it, incredibly hot fella in the 70s by the name of Bruce!our tall and lanky Ms. Caitlyn attempts yet another Olympian feat: skipping across our stage in five-inch Manolo Blahniks while belting out a rather Ethel Mermanesque rendition of "The Little Drummer Boy" with Hologram Andy Williams and his brothers!! Holy Mash-up, Santa, we've already bitten off more than we can chew!!
But who is that handsome man riding in on a mink sleigh and swiping Caitlyn's microphone in mid song?? Why it's none other than Ms. Jenner's rapscallion step-son-in-law, Kanye West! Sometimes, ladies and gentlemen, taking off with someone else's mic is just the holiday ticket!! We never thought we'd say this, Kanye, but thank you!!
Before Caitlyn gets any more semi-musical ideas and a replacement mic, let's bring out our first guest of the evening, Shia LaBeouf!!
The ever-handsome Shia, all decked out in his holiday sweats just for the occasion, is quite the crooner! Although, ladies, we’re afraid you’ll have to take a back seat while Shia sings his sexy version of Mel Tormé's classic Christmas tune into a hand-held mirror rather than directly to you, our swooning audience! It must be Part Deux of his whole "look at me looking at me in the movies" hip kind of thing! We are nothing if not cutting edge, ladies and gentlemen!!
Hark! What is that insistent marching sound we hear coming from stage left? Could it be the March of the Tin Soldiers??
Here they come! Why, ladies and gentlemen, it's none other than the Star Wars Imperial Stormtrooper Choir, generously on loan tonight from the Galactic Empire!!
Normally, we'd strongly suggest you run for your lives, but then you'd miss the Stormtroopers' fabulous holiday medley! And don't they make the perfect wintertime glee club, with their snow-white battle armor gleaming under the lights?!! That was a rhetorical question, of course they do!!
Our audience has never heard "Silver Bells" sung quite like this before, with such expert, if somewhat helmet-muffled, four-part Imperial harmony! And perhaps we might have enjoyed more of "Winter Wonderland" if it weren't for some pesky heavy breather offstage, inciting our troopers into attack mode! Bah, humbug to you too, sir!!
But just in time, here come Ronda Rousey and Holly Holm, joining forces in a holiday truce to keep our Imperial Choir from taking our 2015 Special to the Dark Side!! Holly appears to be slightly more into the holiday kickass takedown spirit, seeing how Ronda is still on soft foods and will use only plush holiday pillows to gently pummel the Imperial choir into giggling submission! We'll take whatever help we can get, gals!!
And apparently our lovely hostess still has a bit of the old Olympic spirit coursing through her feisty veins, because Ms. Caitlyn finishes the job by pole-vaulting right on top of our naughty choir and vigorously stomping the lot of them with her Manolo stilettos! You go, girl!!
All is calm, all is bright once again, ladies and gentlemen! As our victorious hostess rides slowly off stage with her handsome Kanye step-prince, we bid you adieu as Mr. West, still in firm control of the microphone, takes us out with a gentle "Silent Night" rap.
Good night, everyone, and Happy New Year!!
© 12.16.15 Kate Heidel