(A fabulously updated version of this piece has appeared in Happy Woman Magazine.)
UMMER IS upon us, and to quote an old Beatles' song (if Michael Jackson will let me), "You know you should be glad." But do I hear some of you saying that you are most certainly not glad? That you'd rather die than force yourself into a bathing suit? That you'd sooner hurl than lose those 10 lbs. the sensible way?
Don't fret, ladies. You're not lazy or fatyou're just depressed! Forget the pedicure, the new hairstyle, the personal trainer. This year's must have is a doctor and a prescription pad. And don't waste your time with a psychiatristthey'll only want to talk. You need a general practitioner, who doesn't have any more time than you do. Inside of ten minutes you'll have an Rx with refills, and I don't mean Softsoap, darling.
Our testers have done all the leg work for you, so here's our list of favorite picks for 2003:
4th place: Dolduns, Mfr: Flexo-Dingle
Our testers found this little blue pill sent the tears a-packin' after only 3-4 weeks. Nausea and diarrhea were the most common side effects, but many of us had already experienced similar symptoms on the average date. Not recommended for women who are nursing, but then nothing ever is.
3rd place: Ecstasure, Mfr: Phizzy
Although several of our testers wandered off after imagined dieties, the rest were so gleeful after only 3 weeks we could hardly get them off the beach. If you're swimsuit shy, this one's for you.
2nd place: Blunix, Mfr: Astro-Xylophone
After 2-3 weeks, our testers described their moods in an all-positive mode. Words like "sublime," "relaxed," "carefree," and "ready to score" freely escaped their lips. Not recommended for women with something against birth control.
And our number-one pick for antidepressant of 2003:
Funkoff, Mfr: DrugStrasse
We couldn't be happier with this veritable sunshine in a bottle. It sent our blues away faster than we could yell "Refill!" Yes, there were some "serious" side effects, but we don't care anymore and neither will you.
So, before the summer of 2003 is just another depressing memory, our advice is: get popping!
© 2003 Kate Heidel