Spokesman says fans deserved worse; stage show to be retooled.
INGING sensation Amy Winehouse, reportedly disappointed by her own lackluster showing as a latecomer and staggering drunk during a live performance in Belgrade last Saturday evening, has decided to cancel her entire twelve-city European tour to, as her spokesman said, "refine her trashiness to the level her fans deserve."
Ms. Winehouse, who reportedly shouted "Hello, Athens!" on the stage in Belgrade, immediately began berating herself in front of the audience, slurring something like "you can do better'n that, baby," while wrestling a bottle of Boodles gin from one of her roadies and downing it in enormous gulps.
Although some members of the audience later said they thought they might have heard Ms. Winehouse stumbling through her hit "Just Friends," others were vehement in their support of the singer and claimed her drawling noises could not be identified conclusively as an actual song.
"You see," explained the spokesman, "some people heard parts of the song, and that's why Ms. Winehouse made the decision to cancel the entire tour. We are trying our best to help her find some small consolation in knowing that she vastly inconvenienced thousands of ticket buyers throughout Europe. Although, being a perfectionist, she would rather have passed out vomiting on stage."
Fans around Europe are expressing great disappointment, but most appear to be supportive of Ms. Winehouse's artistic struggles.
Said one female fan in Athens, "Yes, it is true, I wish I could be the one to hear Amy shout 'Hello, Belgrade!' live, but that is not good enough for Amy, because she is an artist. She will not be happy until she cannot come onto the stage at all, because she has passed out before they can place her in the limo!"
The woman's boyfriend agreed, adding, "Amy Winehouse is welcome to return to Europe whenever she feels ready to make all of her songs not identifiable because of drunkenness or severe drug addiction! We love you, Amy!!"
© 6.23.11 Kate Heidel