Woody Allen and Morgan Freeman scramble for credibility.
ALPH HAYES, a 94-year-old retired railroad mechanic, plans someday to wed his soon-to-be-born great-great step-granddaughter, whom he's already referring to fondly as "my betrothed, Mary Lou."
Not to be outdone by Woody Allen, who married his step-daughter, Soon-Yi, in 1997, and Morgan Freeman, who may his wed his 27-year-old step-granddaughter and paramour of ten years, E'Dena Hines, Mr. Hayes says he's "never been happier, now that I know Mary Lou and I will be together in 18 years, 14 in Alabama."
Mr. Hayes says he married his third and current wife, Myrtle, when he learned that Myrtle's great-granddaughter was pregnant with her first child.
"I've always wanted to marry a great-great step-granddaughter, and here, at last, was my chance. Unfortunately, the first baby was a boy. Well, I'm no great-great step GAY grandfather, mister! But now that a baby girl is on the way, it was well worth the wait."
The current Mrs. Hayes says she is busily shopping for baby clothes and bassinet supplies for Mary Lou's upcoming baby shower.
"I'm not one to worry about the 'morrow," said Mrs. Hayes, putting the finishing touches on a pink crocheted baby gown for her great-great granddaughter and future rival. "After all, Ralph has plenty of time to change his mind. Also, he could die."
"Or I could live to be 115, woman!" exclaimed Mr. Hayes. "That would give me and Mary Lou time to celebrate our third wedding anniversary, seventh in Alabama."
© 8.10.09 Kate Heidel