It starts with a "duh" red flag and gradually increases in difficulty to "pretty damned obvious to anyone but a wannabe."
ASIC SKILLS Training Group, known for its innovative seminars, Don't Leave the Oven On While You Go Shopping, and How to Wait for the Shower Water to Heat Up, has announced on its web site that registration is now open for its Tiger Woods Red-Flag Training Course for Trophy Wife Wannabes. The class is designed "for the gal who longs to be a trophy wife, but is too focussed on the prize to recognize the painfully obvious consequences of bagging her high-status man."
Basic Skills named its latest training seminar in honor of the golf legend, whom it credits with "lots and lots of red-flag behavior right on the golf course where we can all see it" and who is, therefore, "an ideal fit with our Basic Skills requirement that all of our training materials meet our Glaringly Obvious criteria before inclusion."
Most of the red-flag training course is, fittingly, played out on a fun, 10-hole miniature golf course with a "big, bright, obvious as all get-out red flag" marking each hole. Early holes are quite large and hard to miss; indeed, the online course description indicates that holes one through three "are big enough to crash a Cadillac SUV into."
Actors at each of the three holes effectively dramatize the "duh-level" red-flag behaviors of 1. "Telling lewd jokes that don't meet junior-high standards of lewd joke-telling," 2. "Developing a well-deserved reputation among colleagues as a womanizer," and 3. "Throwing objects violently to the ground while yelling nasty things when desired results are not obtained."
Hole number two requires some travel time, so that, as the course description explains, "several illicit liaisons can be established and consummated." Registrants may opt out of hole number two, thus reducing the seminar's length down to two hours from three weeks.
Basic Skills has designed the final holes of its training course to prepare wannabes for the possibility of considering someone "not quite as rich or powerful as a star athlete, for example," but nevertheless one who possesses "the psychological maturity of Tiger Woods' two-year old or better."
During play on the final three holes, wannabes will be introduced to various men who might make better husbands. Their behavior is contrasted with the appalling behavior of the men waving all the red flags.
For example, at hole nine, a handsome, well-mannered caddy assists each wannabe with her golf stroke while remaining gallantly unentangled with a passing cocktail hostess.
Graduates of the Tiger Woods Red Flag training seminar are given a money-back guarantee of "basic competence in the identification of at least one red-flag behavior in a high-status male." Those who opted in for the full three-week course are also given a "complimentary make-up consultation" with the passing cocktail hostess of hole nine, currently played by Libby Anderson, a certified Avon Lady.
© 12.4.09 Kate Heidel