Everyone Has Now Made a Surprise Visit to Iraq

Except Laura Bush, who didn't want to muss her makeup.

URIED ON THE inside pages of the New York Times last week was the news that every man, woman, and child on planet Earth has now made at least one surprise visit to Iraq. The last person to visit to the war-torn nation by surprise was Mr. Ramesh Kumar of Hyderabad, India.

"It was a most memorable journey," noted Mr. Kumar, adding, "I will likely not return until a bit more stability is established, but the coffee was excellent, with no unpleasant after taste."

No one was more surprised to hear of the news than the president, who admits that he rarely, if ever, wanders outside the Presidential Tent during his own surprise Iraq visits.

"Wow, that's big numbers," mused the president over his White House breakfast of buttermilk pancakes and Jimmy Dean sausage. "Pass the Log Cabin, ol' Dickster."

The State Department is at a loss to explain the phenomenon, and could only posit that "enough single drops can make a mighty ocean" and "air travel has brought Iraq to the world's back yard."

A State Department official who asked not to be identified observed, "This really makes the whole 'George Bush, Condi Rice visit Iraq' thing kind of ho-hum, doesnt' it? I mean, I've been there, you've been there—show me something I can actually get excited about."

Suggestions of alternative surprise set downs of Airforce One have included Perth, Australia; Perth Amboy, New Jersey; and Don Ho, Hawaii. Once it was learned that Don Ho was not a city, but rather a deceased Hawaiian entertainer, the venue was changed to Honolulu.

Explained the state department official, "Hawaii is the odds-on favorite, because the president just learned last week that Hawaii is a state, so that's a nice surprise all by itself. I'm sure they'd love him to pop up unannounced, and maybe do a little funky hula with some of the natives."