FDA Warning on 100-Calorie Snacks: Multiply Number of Snacks Eaten by 100

Plump snack-packers are soon to receive full disclosure.

ESPONDING TO complaints that the new 100-calorie snack packs of such favorites as Oreo cookies are not only hindering some dieters' weight loss but causing many frustrated snackers to actually gain weight, the Food and Drug Administration has announced that it will require "full explanatory text" on the popular treats "to provide complete disclosure to unsuspecting American snackers."

In a report just released to the press, the FDA wrote: "Many innocent Americans have been led to believe that these so-called low-calorie snacks are just harmless packages consisting of cookies and other snacks that contain only 100 calories. But what they don't know is that consumption of multiple snack packs can accumulate into the many hundreds and even thousands of calories, leading to potential weight gain."

Citizen whistleblower and dieter Janice Perkins of Canton, Ohio, who noticed she was not losing "one single ounce" with the tasty 100-calorie snacks, came forward when she felt she had gathered enough evidence to present her suspicions to the FDA.

Said the rotund Ms. Perkins, "I saved literally hundreds of my empty snack wrappers over a three-day period, of every kind of 100-calorie snack I could possibly eat, and handed them over to the FDA. They were just shocked, but the evidence was right in front of them in crinkly black and white. Not to mention my bulging midriff."

The FDA hired an independent laboratory to test the snack packs and released the findings as part of its report. Lab results indicated "a cumulative 100-calorie effect approximately equal to the number of snack packs ingested by an individual."

According to lab results, "if enough of these snack packs are ingested, a person could actually gain weight instead of shedding pounds, as the packaging implies by the words '100 calorie'."

In conclusion, the FDA urged Americans snackers "to proceed with great caution when consuming 100-calorie snacks until new packaging is on the market that makes it clear how many calories are actually accumulating in your digestive system."

The new wording to be printed on each package will read, "Warning: Each single snack package contains 100 calories. For each snack package ingested, 100 calories is added to your caloric intake."