"The man is a complete love machine," says Edwards' lawyer.
photo credit: Aaron Webb
ORMER PRESIDENTIAL candidate John Edwards, currently on trial for alleged misuse of campaign funds, pleaded "sexy as charged" to avoid yet another trial, this time over seducing several female alternate jurors on his current trial.
"I'm sorry Your Honor, I just can't help it," said a contrite but sexy Edwards, clearly exuding an intense love-magnetism that was palpable to all females present in the courtroom during the arraignment.
The second set of charges against Edwards resulted from the behavior of a female alternate on his current jury. Clearly unable to resist Edwards' sensuous love waves, the woman had taken to openly flirting with the former candidate, causing Edwards to blush in a way that apparently made him even more irresistible. Eventually all of the female alternates, hypnotized, began wearing sexy outfits in the same color to court each day.
"He has an aura that just ripples right out to you," said one female reporter, lightly perspiring. "Now I know what the alternate jurors must have felt," she added. "Rielle Hunter was right: he's hot."
Mr. Edwards, already beleaguered by grief over the recent death of his wife, Elizabeth, and by serious health problems, told reporters he wanted to dispense with a second trial and "just take what's coming to me."
The following plea statement by Edwards is excerpted from the court transcript:
"Your Honor, if it please the court, I wish to plead 'sexy as charged.' I do not wish to burden the court or frankly myself or my children with another protracted trial. I simply cannot seem to contain my irresistible charm to the ladies.
"Honestly, Your Honor, I was just sitting there with my dusty blue eyes and my lustrous hair and, well, I'm guilty, judge, guilty as charged. If I could etch a permanent worry wrinkle on my flawless brow, I would, Your Honor. But my skin is as soft as a baby's, and there's not a blessed thing I can do about it, except apologize to the court and take my punishment."
Immediately after the release of Edwards' statement, thousands of women around the U.S. volunteered to punish the former candidate, sending provocative photos and promising to be gentle.
"I can't get a break," said Edwards to reporters outside the courtroom. "I want my sentence, but the ladies won't give it to me."
Edwards' lawyer said he wanted equal justice for his client, "but the man is a complete love machine, so it will be difficult," he admitted.
© 5.31.12 Kate Heidel