Senate Tops House "Christmas Resolution" with "New Year's Resolution"

HE FIRST ORDER of business for the 2008 Senate will be the signing of Resolution 1127b, widely viewed as the Senate's answer to the House "Christmas Resolution," passed just last month.

Coined "The New Year's Resolution," the Senate legislation, in its own words, "acknowledges the crucial role Christianity has played in American culture all year round, day in, day out." The resolution goes on to proclaim the Gregorian calendar "a divinely inspired improvement on pre-Christ calendars," thus securing Christianity "and not all manner of loopy heathen religions" as the nation's "single, solitary, and sole faith of choice."

When asked to elaborate, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell sniffed, "We're not here to roll in the mud with Christ-hating dragon worshippers and cow lovers. We just want to make the Christmas Resolution last all through the year. If anyone has a problem with that they can go fly a broom into Hell, where I'm sure they'll feel right at home."

The resolution goes on to cite "those great Christian Americans whose Godly contribution to the arts ensures their place in the Pantheon of Greatest Performers." Senator McConnell, who was not informed until after the initial draft that "pantheon" is a Greek word meaning "temple dedicated to all the gods," hastily attached a reworded amendment now citing the artists as residing "in the NOT-Pantheon of Greatest Performers."

In keeping with the tradition of New Year's resolutions, the Senate's version also includes some individual pledges of self-improvement penned by various Senators. Some of the pledges include Senator Edward Kennedy's promise to join Weight Watchers, "and lose, ah, twenty, or perhaps, thirty, ah, pounds," Senator Dianne Feinstein's pledge to "get my hair to move even a little," and Senator Larry Craig's vow to "take only Greyhound buses from now on" and then only ones "that pick you up at the corner. No bus stations for me, thank you very much."

President of the Senate, Dick Cheney, was "regretfully disqualified" on the grounds that his daughter was "a perverted lesbian." However, Cheney swore on the Senate bible that his feelings were not hurt.