It lacks flow, but lasts for 50 years.
HE CHRISTMAS Lyric Renovators of America have announced that the popular children's Christmas classic, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, is long overdue for modernization "considering advances made in lighting that render young Rudolph's energy-guzzling red nose a relic of wastefulness. We'll soon fix that," said Barry Lester, head of the Christmas Children's Song unit.
Mr. Lester explained that the classic Rudolph tune would be updated in two phases so that fans of the beloved reindeer would not be too disrupted by a complete overhaul of Rudolph's story line.
Said Mr. Lester, "First, we need to change the few lyrics that directly refer to Rudolph's old-fashioned, energy-inefficient nose. For instance, here is our new treatment of the song's denouement, when Santa asks Rudolph to lead the team on Christmas Eve:
Rudolph with your nose so environmentally lit/
Won't you guide my sleigh with it?
"But in a subsequent revision, we must address the scorn that all of the other reindeer heap on poor Rudolph."
Continued Mr. Lester, "Clearly, any reindeer pre-equipped with a compact-florescent snout would be excluded from joining any reindeer games out of pure jealousy, but the original tune has Rudolph ostracized for being strange. So the motivational thrust of the song will need to be completely revamped. Believe me, it's the right thing to do."
Although there will no longer be explicit references to Rudolph's nose as red in the original verses once their renovation is complete, Mr. Lester stated that he and his writers would make mention of the fact in "all-new lyrics" written specifically to assure today's youngsters of the “continued crimson coloration” of Rudolph's sniffer.
Mr. Lester agreed, in the spirit of the holiday, to share a draft of one of his team's new verses:
Did we forget to mention/
Rudolph's nose is also red?/
Compact-florescent colors/
Are as natural looking as their energy-guzzling pred/
ecessors!
"It needs a little work," admitted Mr. Lester, "but we're almost there."
© 2008 Kate Heidel
