"Time Warp" will be danced by stand-in bishop.
photo credit: The Papal Visit
VATICAN-CITY spokesman has announced to Catholics around the globe that Pope Benedict XVI will be boycotting his favorite filmThe Rocky Horror Picture Showsince one of its stars, Susan Sarandon, casually referred to the Pope as a nazi.
"Pope Benedict XVI wants his flock to know of the boycott," said the spokesman, "not to forbid the Catholic laity from viewing Rocky Horror, but to inform them that he will not be throwing toilet paper at the 'Great Scott' line when they are throwing toilet paper at the 'Great Scott' line. Our Holy Father is saying, 'You do this toilet paper thing without me, but you still have my blessing,'" the spokesman explained.
Catholics the world over have expressed their displeasure over Ms. Sarandon's comments in a myriad of ways while watching Rocky Horror. In Spain, they burn the actress in effigy every time she appears on the screen, a practice blamed for at least three movie-house blazes.
Irish-Catholics are bringing their dogs into theaters, having trained the pets to howl every time Sarandon has a speaking part. However, numerous reports of Catholic pooches baying even louder during Tim Curry's performances have dampened the protests' impact a bit.
The pope's spokesman confirmed that the famous Time-Warp dance, which, he said, Pope Benedict enjoys enacting "while in his robes, not in anything else, just to be perfectly clear," would be performed for the time being "by a stand-in bishop personally selected by our Holy Father." Given the sensitive nature of Ms. Sarandon's remarks, "it was felt," added the spokesman, "that German bishops need not check their holy iPhones for the Pontiff's text message announcing his choice."
Insiders say the Pope has admitted in private that he is quite anxious to end his boycott the moment Ms. Sarandon issues a public apology. His spokesman would not comment directly on the rumor, only saying "our Holy Father shall miss his Rocky Horror, but is most willing to stay the course to show his flock that he is not immune to earthly suffering."
Susan Sarandon, for her part, is boycotting gelato until the Pope moves out.
© 10.20.11 Kate Heidel