Like chocolate creme pie and astroturf.
photo credit: codepinkhq
ONTROVERSIAL Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad admitted in his recent interview with CBS News anchor Katie Couric that there is much more besides the Holocaust he is quite sure never occurred.
"It is not the Paul Beatle dying that is of importance. It is the Ringo Starr that never replaced the drummer Pete Best which is the real issue which we must all reconcile or become the laughing stock of the entire world," insisted Ahmadinejad through his interpreter.
"But, Mr. President," insisted Katie Couric, "surely you have seen the photographs and the film footage of Ringo Starr? On the Ed Sullivan show, for example."
"That was but the machinations of the of the Beatle number five, Mr. George Martin, and his infernal replacement of Pete Best for these Sullivan shows with a large-nosed substitute who did not display the talents of the real drummer of The Beatles, Mr. Pete Best," asserted Mr. Ahmadinejad smiling or grimacing, no one is ever sure.
"But you could meet and talk with Ringo Starr right now, if you chose to, Mr. President," said Ms. Couric, pressing. "He's alive and well, and I'm sure he would be happy to meet with you."
"It would not be necessary for me to meet with the large-nosed man who is pretending to be the older Ringo Starr, for he is merely an impostor of impostors," asserted the Iranian president.
"You know, Mr. President, you yourself have a rather large nose, not unlike that of Ringo Starr, drummer for The Beatles," ventured the feisty Ms. Couric.
"The nose on your face, Mr. President."
"There is no nose on my face. You are a petite liar, female western journalist, and you do not cover your head," said Mr. Ahmadinejad, shifting in his seat and no longer smiling or grimacing.
"OK, Mr. President, I can see we're not getting anywhere with this. Then what about your denying the existence of chocolate cream pie and astroturf?" Ms. Couric lifted a dessert plate containing a slice of chocolate cream pie, while an assistant placed a small square of astroturf in the CBS anchor's free hand.
"If you would, Mr. President, I would like you to try a piece of this delicious pie and tell me that's not the best chocolate creme you've ever tasted."
"I have had better," said Iran's president, taking a second bite. "But this is not chocolate creme, which does not exist. This is french silk. You must tell your female assistant to brew some highly robust coffee now."
"The hell it isn't chocolate creme!" Ms. Couric exclaimed.
"Do not blaspheme before the leader of the Iranian people, little woman journalist with the impossibly spiky heels," said Mr. Ahmadinejad.
"Very well, Mr. President," continued Ms. Couric. "Then what is this I have in my hand, if not astroturf?"
"It is clearly a comical portion of what you Westerners call, I believe, 'the lawn'? Some such trivial invention that which we find rather useless, in fact," replied the Iranian leader.
"No, this is not real grass, Mr. President," said Ms. Couric.
"So, you deny its existence as well, do you?" asked Mr. Ahmadinejad smiling or grimacing again. "Now we are making progress."
The full interview between President Ahmadinejad and Katie Couric has been purchased by the Lifetime "for women" channel, and will be rerun next week immediately following "My Boyfriend Wants to Kill You, Too."
© 9.30.09 Kate Heidel