Newt Gingrich, Completely Repulsive to Women, Now Free to Love Only America

Republican thrilled to give full attention to his country.

ORMER lawmaker Newt Gingrich, having recently admitted to leaving two wives while they were very ill because he was busily involved in loving his country, expressed his relief upon learning that all women now find him completely repulsive.

"At long last I can finally dedicate myself to loving my country without the distractions of romantic love, or the object of that romantic love coming down with an illness and forcing me to find a replacement at my earliest possible convenience," stated the woman-repulsing conservative.

"Our current president may be distracted from his duties by March Madness," Gingrich added, "but now nothing stands in the way of my giving my full, unbridled attention to loving America."

The former lawmaker said that a recent poll, in which one-hundred percent of women questioned found Gingrich "somewhat," "very," or "completely" repulsive, "has freed me from the mundane duties of loving and caring for a woman when my country clearly needs me more. As long as my country doesn't get cancer or multiple sclerosis."

Women polled were also given a choice of actions they could engage in were they to "run into Newt Gingrich in an elevator." Eighteen percent of respondents chose "slapping his repulsive face"; twenty-nine percent chose "kicking him in the gonads"; and an impressive forty-eight percent said they would choose "dangling him in the elevator shaft and listening to him beg for mercy." The remaining five percent responded that all of the choices offered "were much too good for the rat-bastard."

Gingrich said he would begin his love affair with the U.S. "by writing her, appropriately, a torch song, whose current working title is 'I Promise I'll Never Leave You.' Because I'm pretty sure I'll never be forced to ditch America on her death bed for another country until it too becomes an albatross around my neck."