Swears she won't mind the air fare for twelve seats.
ONNA SIMPSON , the forty-two-year-old New Jersey mother attempting to become the fattest woman in the world, is already well known to followers of unusual record-breaking feats. The portly gal currently holds top honors in the 2009 Guinness Book of World Records' "Most Pointless Record-Breaking Activities" category.
"I thought trying to become the fattest woman in the world would help me maintain my position in that category for 2010," explained Ms. Simpson, busily downing her third Big Mac of the morning. "But then I learned that being fattest woman was not only pointless, but a Guinness category all on its own. I'm so thrilled!" mumbled the tank-sized matriarch, swilling down her super-sized chocolate McShake while unwrapping a six pack of Ho-Hos.
Ms. Simpson's many pointless record-breaking activities include tying together the longest string of leftover dental floss pieces, leaving the largest pile of gum wrappers in one place before going to the bathroom, remaining on hold for 20 hours even after being accidentally disconnected, and watching any reruns of Celebrity Apprentice whatsoever.
"I was really honest, and told Guinness that I watched the rerun where Joan Rivers wins—I mean it was Joan Rivers!—but they said that still counted," insisted Ms. Simpson, finishing up her 72-ounce New York Strip and digging into a 30-serving Dairy Queen ice-cream cake "with all the toppings."
The New Jersey mother of one "unless I crushed her" hopes that collapsing sturdy furniture by bumping into it will be considered a valid pointless activity for 2010, "so that I can maintain my standing in the original category as well as breaking new ground, which I can pretty much do these days just by walking."
A spokesman for Guinness says that the world-record publication is also considering the addition of a "Most Obnoxious Activities" category to honor some of Ms. Simpson's most taste-challenged accomplishments, "because, much like any existing belt width on the planet, 'pointless' can't begin to fully encompass how obnoxious this record breaker is fast becoming."
"That is so great!" exclaimed the gi-normous Jersey gal. "Now pass me that turkey."
© 3.23.10 Kate Heidel
