"There seems to be no limit to these corrupting sartorial nightmares," sources say.
photo credit: Glyn Lowe
NSIDERS PRIVY to the activities of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton's Democratic presidential campaign have leaked details of a pantsuit donation scheme between Clinton and German Chancellor Angela Merkel "so brazen and lacking in fashion sense" that even veterans of campaign misdeeds are shocked at the extent of both the volume and the poor taste involved.
"Apparently, and for many months now," began an anonymous letter to The New York Times, "German Chancellor Angela Merkel has been funneling a seemingly unlimited flow of tasteless donations to Hillary Clinton's Pantsuit PAC."
The letter to the Times editorial page describes the secret sartorial donations as "an international crisis of fashion sense, and a truly shocking display of polyester greed in the worst color palette ever seen in the entire history of U.S. presidential campaign graft."
Both the Chancellor and the former Secretary of State are known to dress exclusively in one form of pantsuit or other, "just the sort of taste-numbing ruse" the letter stated, "that would cleverly mask this massive transfer of synthetics from Germany's government into the fashion-challenged but bottomless pockets of Mrs. Clinton's Pantsuit PAC."
Sources inside the Clinton campaign who spoke on condition of anonymity and, they were keen to add, "on behalf of natural fabrics that breathe," confirmed an ever-increasing level of staff gossip over just how their candidate "was getting her hands on such a bizarre collection of, in particular, jackets that look like someone sewed them straight out of wet suits, but wet suits in colors no self-respecting scuba diver would ever be caught dead in."
The anonymous letter claimed that "many thousands" of pantsuits are coming "by the ship container" into ports around the U.S. "so that Mrs. Clinton's pantsuit arsenal can readily attire her at every campaign operation across the U.S.
"There seems to be no limit to these corrupting sartorial nightmares," the letter stated.
One of the most damning revelations of all is the "quid pro quo arrangement" former Secretary Clinton has brokered with Chancellor Merkel in return for the German leader's "lavish if shockingly tasteless Pantsuit PAC contributions."
According to the Times letter, Mrs. Clinton has agreed, if she is elected in November, "to ensure that only German entertainers are booked at halftime shows for the next four Super Bowls."
Performers Merkel has floated include singer Beatrice Egli, Season 10 winner of Deutschland sucht den SuperstarGermany's answer to American Idoland "Hilby the Skinny German Juggle Boy."
"If anyone doubts the corrupting influence of pantsuit PACs," the Times letter concluded, "let them look no further than Herr Hilby."
© 2.22.16 Kate Heidel