"That's what our all-American contestants do best," says organizer.
TTEMPTING TO avoid disqualifying the majority of contestants in the popular Miss America and Miss USA pageants for previously posing nude for a magazine, making a sex tape, or completing Stripping 101, organizers of the beloved pageants are trying a new approach.
"We're making the talent portion of our contests a chance for the girls to take their clothes off, since these days that's what our all-American contestants do best," confirmed a talent coordinator who wished to remain anonymous, "because I'd like to break this to my wife in my own way."
The change in emphasis will mean that other portions of the contest will also need to be revamped, such as the now-pointless swimsuit and evening-gown segments.
"I don't make the rules around here, I just order the stripper poles," stressed the talent coordinator.
Some ideas floated for replacing the scratched contests include lap dancing for the judges, a musical number with Hugh Hefner, and a Q & A session in which the girls answer, unscripted, various hard-hitting questions about how to break into show business by using one's body.
Pageant promoters do, however, plan to keep college scholarship winnings as an incentive for qualified women to compete, emphasizing in a press release that "Miss America and Miss USA are not naked beauty pageants per se, but naked talent pageants, in which the most-qualified, naked American gal can earn thousands of dollars in college scholarships to fall back on when her body goes to hell."
Organizers are also pondering whether to rework the traditional winner's walk for both pageants, in which the newly crowned American ideal of naked womanhood takes her victory stroll down the runway, wearing her crown and sash and holding a large bouquet of red roses.
"It's really such a beautiful tradition," remarked one pageant veteran. "I say, as long as the girl can stand to wear two little items of clothing, her sash and her crown, we should be able to keep the final walk. Just watch those thorns, dear!"
© 5.21.10 Kate Heidel