Next stop is Jerry Springer for a little self cat fight.
WING TO THE lack of bogus memoirs in recent months for Oprah Winfrey to tout on her show, the popular television host decided that the time was ripe for her own false memoir, since she had, as one producer noted, "the perfect platform to both sell her story and condemn her lies. Plus it's two shows on the schedule that we don't have to find guests for. Win-win."
In the first show, Ms. Winfrey announced that her memoir, How I Lived My Worst Life: Dying by Degrees, was the latest Oprah book club selection and called it "just about the best read in the whole world, if I do say so myself, honey." Every member of her audience received a free copy in both print and audio dvd, which features Josh Groban singing a composition written especially for the book's release: God Only Knows (My Life Will Be Beautiful Some Day)."
After a press release was issued denouncing the book as a "web of lies, fabrications, and other untruths," Ms. Winfrey, dressed in the same pin-striped navy pant suit she wore to disembowel fake memoirist James Frey, introduced the second show as "my attempt to set the record straight."
"I am here to get at the bottom of all my lies," stated Ms. Winfrey, "and to make completely sure that you, my viewers, learn the whole truth. I have always said, and continue to say, and will say as long as I live, that Truth is what we must all strive toward, if we want to live our very best lives. I have not told the truth, and I am here today to discover WHY I have not told the truth. That is why I am dressed in my fake-memoir pantsuit and am speaking in my serious, stilted manner. It is not funny to lie. It is not funny in the least."
Ms. Winfrey began by asking herself if she had anything to say to the audience before the interview got underway.
Replied Oprah, "I'd just like to say here, before your audience, which by the way is the best-looking audience I've ever seen!"
"Please do not try to make light of this very serious matter," warned Ms. Winfrey.
"Sorry. I'm very sorry, you're right, this is very serious. I'd like to state, for the record, that Kelly Clarkson is not my love child with Patrick Swayze. I really don't know what came over me. Kelly is not our child, and Patrick was never my lover. Although he is pretty hot, don't you agree, ladies?!"
The audience burst into cheers and applause, but Ms. Winfrey quickly silenced them.
"Please, audience, this is not the time. Now, can you tell me why you said on page 244, and I quote, 'I had hit rock bottom. Not only was I snorting cocaine to keep my weight down, but I was selling my best friend Gayle into prostitution to keep my record clean. My boyfriend, Stedman, said to me, "Oprah, you've come to a crossroads. It's either me or the blow. Which is it, baby?" And I said, "It's the blow Weirdman, now get out of my house!!" And he did. But, since I have twelve other houses, he showed up at one of those and has been caring for me ever since. What I would have done without him, I'll never know.'"
"Now, is any of that true, or is it all lies?" pressed Ms. Winfrey.
"Well," Oprah said, "I do have a boyfriend named Stedman, as incredible as that may sound. And a bunch of houses. But did I mention that everyone in your audience today is GETTING A NEW CAAAAAAR??!!!"
© 03.30.09 Kate Heidel