Obamas Open Starbucks Next to White House Garden and Swing Set

Free-range Republicans are not far behind.

EEPING UP THE momentum of updating the White House for a new administration, the Obamas have announced plans to open a Starbucks at two locations on the Executive property. One shop is adjacent to the vegetable garden on the South Lawn, and the second, smaller coffee shop sits near the Obama daughter's swing set right outside the Oval Office.

President Obama, making the announcement in the Rose Garden on a lovely spring morning, stressed that "both Starbucks are, of course, strictly Fair Trade establishments," meaning that all coffee sold is produced by farmers receiving a decent living wage.

"Our coffee may cost a little more, but I guarantee that each serving, be it a Tall mocha frapppacino or a Grande half-caf gingerbread low-foam latte, will be an outstanding cup of joe," the President emphasized.

Both Starbucks are open to the public on a lottery basis. Explained one advisor to the president, "Because the Garden Starbucks, as we like to call it, is situated near our two bee hives, guests will have free access to the adjacent convenience clinic should they suffer a bee sting and require emergency aid for an allergic reaction. Our clinic will provide epi-shots completely free of charge."

Some critics of the Garden Starbucks convenience clinic have complained that it is Obama's first step toward national health insurance.

"Very sneaky," sneered Minority Leader of the House, John Boehner. "Plus, if you're allergic to bees, you'd have to be pretty stupid to sit outside on a beautiful day. Just asking for it."

For parents lucky enough to score lottery tickets for the Swing-Set Starbucks, their young children will have free access to the play area. However, the Obama's children always have first rights.

"The president is my daddy," explained Sasha Obama.