"Blood libel" Palin comment sealed the deal, according to Satan's media office.
SPOKESGOBLIN FOR the Devil's public relations firm, Dark Angel Unlimited, confirmed in a statement this morning what many on Earth had already suspected: John McCain will indeed be going "straight to Hell" for all eternity due to his "remarkably maniacal and singular act of unleashing into the public arena one Sarah Palin."
Reading from a prepared statement, Satan's enthusiastic minion said, "Purgatory is for wimps. Senator McCain, by inflicting Ms. Palin on the United States, and hopefully in 2012 the entire world, has unleashed enough mayhem and lunacywith the exciting potential for even more mayhem and lunacyto put him on the Crazy Train directly to H-E double toothpicks."
Senator McCain, according to the spokesgoblin, received "the thrilling news" last week during dinner with his wife Cindy at a popular eatery for D.C. insiders.
"With his usual flare, Senator McCain had ordered the Baked Alaska for dessert," explained the goblin. "So we just added a flaming missive from the depths of Hell to give it our own je ne sais quoi. I don't mind telling you he was a bit nonplussed."
Calls to the Senator's office were not returned; however, the transcript of a message recorded by McCain's secretary on his answering machine read:
"Senator John McCain will shortly address recent unfounded rumors that he has been invited to spend eternity in Hell. In the meantime, Senator McCain thoroughly denies all such rumors, and wishes his supporters to know that he intends to make his eternal rest in Heaven with the Lord and his lovely wife, Cindy, despite her confusion about the gays."
"That's cute, 'invited,'" chuckled the goblin. "I just love this guy."
Depending on Sarah Palin's political fate in the coming years, Senator McCain may be passing back and forth "through more than one circle of Hell" during his eternal damnation, said the spokesgoblin.
"But I don't want to diminish McCain's accomplishments to date," he added. "Even now, we are so freaking proud of him."
© 1.18.11 Kate Heidel