U. S. House Rebukes John Boehner for 'Totally Prehistoric' Ringtones

OK, so who really wants to hear "Eye of the Tiger" one more time. OMG.

EMBERS OF THE House of Representatives—bending to pressure from grandchildren who watch from the visitors gallery or mingle on the House floor during breaks—have authored a formal rebuke against House Minority Leader John Boehner for what it calls "egregious downloads of totally prehistoric music to the Leader's cell phone, which completely inflicts undue stress and embarrassment to youngsters visiting our hallowed chambers. Duh."

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, commenting on behalf of one of her granddaughters, said, "She is so totally opposed to being forced to listen to another nanosecond of Eye of the Tiger. And I am so completely aligned with her on this! Believe me when I say that the House members could utterly barf if this sort of lameness is allowed to continue unabated."

"I so totally concur," said Republican Joe Wilson, in a rare moment of consensus across the aisle. "My grandson said to me the other day, 'Grandpa, if you don't annihilate that loser's ringtones, I will completely hurl my guts out.' I don't know about you, but I totally don't want to see something like that unfolding here, in the People's House. Ohmigod."

Other offending Boehner ringtones cited by the House rebuke are Tony Orlando's Tie a Yellow Ribbon, Toni Tennille's Do It to Me One More Time and Muskrat Love, and former Attorney General John Ashcroft's Let the Eagle Soar.

"I mean, patriotism is laudable, for sure," noted Speaker Pelosi, referring to the Ashcroft ringtone, "but we just can't tolerate the dweeb quotient. That's what makes my colleagues and our progeny totally want to die."

Unlike other House rebukes, the Boehner sanction comes with helpful corrective actions in the form of ringtone replacement suggestions, among them "anything whatsoever from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs catalog."

"My granddaughter swears by Karen O," said Speaker Pelosi, "although the House recognizes the risk that when our distinguished Minority Leader downloads her to his cell, he will totally flip out."

"Totally," agreed Democratic Congressman Barney Frank, overhearing the discussion. "I mean, duh."