First order of business is to find suitable nominee to head new agency.
OP FRONTRUNNER Mitt Romney has pledged that his presidency will address bullying "head on" with the establishment of a Department of Hijinks.
"I want the American people to know how sorry I am that I allegedly held a gay boy down and cut his hair off while he screamed bloody murder, even though I can't remember doing any such thing," said Mr. Romney.
"So my first act as your President will be to create a Department of Hijinks," continued the former governor. "It should be lots of fun. I mean lots of serious business where no one gets a little bloodied with no real harm done and I don't laugh my head off," Romney said.
The Republican front runner said his first order of business would be "to nominate the best possible person to head my new agency" by promising to "keep pushing my aide's face in the toilet until he comes up with the right nominee. Hey, the water's gonna be clean!" pledged the candidate.
Names being floated to head the Department of Hijinks include former Vice President Dick Cheney, Manfredo "Cattle Prod" Caniglia, and Hulk Hogan.
"Who says Republicans don't like Hollywood?" Romney asked.
Mr. Romney also said his new department would focus on educating elementary school children first.
"We want to teach them, while they're still young, how not to pull hair, make kids fall off their bikes and make their last names rhyme with dirty words, and compose limericks that will humiliate every ethnicity," said Romney.
"Then, when they're older, we want to teach them how not to sneak firecrackers into book bags, tuck a girl's skirt into her underwear, and trap nerds in their lockers," continued Romney.
"As you can see, I'm not laughing, because none of that behavior is the least bit funny," said the Republican candidate.
"So vote for me, or else!" said Romney, winking.
"Actually, that wasn't funny, either," he said, "and notice how I'm still not laughing."
© 5.16.12 Kate Heidel