Please arrive precisely on time!
photo credit: Wikimedia Commons
ITH 33 YEARS of service in the CIA, Gina Haspel has built a reputation for getting results. Whether it's overseeing a black site in Thailand, or destroying interrogation tapes to ensure America's enemies don't get any fancy ideas, Gina has what it takes to instill in today's managers the skills they need to mold employees into assets of unquestioning loyalty and shock-averse dedication.
Simply register online to attend her interactive morning and afternoon sessions. Although attendance in both sessions is not mandatory, managers will, completely at random, be visited at their offices by our Persuasion Team until they come to understand that taking both sessions was clearly the best choice all along. Will you receive a visit from our Persuasion Team? You just don't know, do you.
8:00 - 8:15 - Meet-and-Greet Breakfast
Scalding black coffee.
Please arrive precisely on time to ensure respectful compliance with Gina's packed schedule. Oh, how late-comers will wish they had never walked through that door.
8:15 - 9:15 - The Enhanced Path to Company Loyalty Challenge (Workgroup session)
Gina gives each workgroup more than enough time to demonstrate their loyalty to the fictitious company "American Alpha" to her complete satisfaction. (Hint: Former winners have composed their own catchy pledges of allegiance, or engaged in finger-pointing until their weakest member was rooted out!)
The winning group receives a bag of loyalty badges they can pass out to favored employees instead of pay increases. The losing groups will receive enhanced remedial loyalty training in the next room by Gina's hand-picked associates.
9:15 - 10:15 - Enhanced Thinking on Your Feet
Personal mentorship is at the very heart of what Gina does. In in that generous spirit, Gina schedules a one-on-one speed-pleading session with each member of the winning group. What are you pleading for? You have three minutes to find out and make your case!
10:15 - 11:15 - Enhanced Wondering What Comes Next
This all-manager session convenes in Conference Room Thimble, specially chosen by Gina for its intimate square footage and windowless views. As the lights dim and the door locks behind you, Gina's disembodied voice will come over the intercom, encouraging participants to let their imaginations run wild.
11:15 - 1:15 - Luncheon
The smell of grilled steak and the convivial sounds of Gina and her team laughing and enjoying every juicy bite.
Water, if you can find it.
Your only bathroom break.
1:15 - 3:15 - Time for a Little Fun: Enhanced Three-Legged Race
Gina knows that injecting a bit of fun into the workplace now and then boosts motivation. In this enhanced version of the three-legged contest, one of every manager's legs is tied to the leg of a rabid weasel. The winner of Gina's two-mile sprint will be given alcohol wipes and clean strips of cloth. Bring comfortable activewear for this outdoor challenge!
3:15 - TBD - Enhanced Review: Have You Learned Nothing??
The demanding manager has all the time in the world to see to it that their employees make the grade. As do we. We're in no hurry. We have all day, and night, if that's what it takes. And another day and night, and another, until time is nothing but a swirling essence of meaningless misery that you'll say and do anything to escape.
We hope to see you there!
Note: All phones, laptops, and recording devices will be confiscated upon entering Gina Haspel's team-forging seminar. Thank you in advance for not being foolish enough to think you could conceal one of these items on your person.
And don't forget your Certificate of Completion on the way out! If you do forget, rest assured: We'll find you.
© 5.18.18 Kate Heidel