Report: Over 7 Billion People Did Not Go Viral Last Week

At least some remain undeterred, however.

Using mobile phone in cafe
photo credit: Barn Images

CCORDING TO aggregated statistics of online content, the overwhelming majority of earth's human population did not go viral last week, the week before, or the week before that. Although many had thought their tweets, youtubes, or other online content would indeed make a viral splash, only a few thousand of earth's current human population actually managed to spread like wildfire across the internet.

Many who did not go viral last week, however, are confident of eventual and complete success in the very near future.

One such individual, Ashley Spears of Ames, Iowa, said she was "extremely, totally confident" that a self-produced video of her latest song, "I ♡ u 4ever" will go viral "probably by the end of the month at the latest."

Ms. Spears initially thought her love song "to my secret love that starts with a 'J' " was doing well until her fan base dropped precipitously once viewers realized they had not in fact discovered a new Britney Spears tune.

"That was a downer, for sure," observed Ashley, "but once my fans see that I am totally a talented songwriter, singer, dancer, and producer, even though I am not Britney, I know they will all come back and make me go extremely viral," the 14-year-old high-school sophomore said.

Ashley's video begins with an intro from her three "besties" Tiffany, Caitlyn, and Brianna, all wearing matching leggings and t-shirts that spell out O-M-G in letters liberally festooned with hearts and lipstick kisses.

Ashley herself first appears at 00:43 and then never goes away, singing energetically something about hips, lips, and tricks. Viewers are welcome, and indeed, according to Ashley, "totally" encouraged to activate closed captioning to be guaranteed of enjoying the complete set of lyrics, which span three verses and a frequently repeating chorus with references to sunshine and happiness and daisies.

The budding singer would neither confirm nor deny that the name of her secret love is "Jason," but evidence points to the likelihood, given that the name is spelled out in sequins glued to Ashley's bedroom mirror, a prop that figures prominently in her as-yet-to-go-totally-viral video.

Ashley's imminent future success notwithstanding, well over seven billion other humans are not expected to go viral in the coming weeks. However, on a brighter note, millions upon millions of cats, dogs, pot-bellied pigs, and hedgehogs did go viral this week and all prior weeks measured. Experts expect this trend to continue until the end of time.