Florida Quran Burners Say Scarcity of Beatles Records Left Them No Choice

Popularity of vinyl collections sends churchgoers in search of new kindling for the Lord.

ERRY JONES, pastor of a small Gainesville, Florida, church that is planning a Quran burning this 9/11, insists that the date is "just a coincidence with the 9/11 terrorist attacks," and that it actually marks the day "when our last Beatle record will go up in flames, just like it should."

To keep a fire "burning for the Lord," Jones says the congregation of the Dove World Outreach Center had to search "high and low" for something to replace Beatles records, which have lit the center's popular Fire Against Evil since the original Ban the Beatles bonfire first raged in 1966.

"Other churches moved on," said the pastor, "but we never stopped, because The Beatles are and will always be the Devil's music. Especially 'I Am the Walrus,' which, if you play it backwards, you can hear John singing, 'Babies make great appetizers.' Ain't nothing more evil than that, including the Quran."

The pastor said his congregation hit upon bookstores as the logical place "to find kindling," and discovered "completely accidental" that there were "loads and loads of Qurans for the burning" just sitting on bookstore shelves "doing nothing but gathering dust."

By contrast, the pastor noted, "just try getting your hands on a Beatle record. Impossible, because all the young kids today gotta have what they call their 'vinyl.'"

Pastor Jones insists that his congregation would be more than happy to continue to burn Beatles records instead of Qurans come this Saturday, "if the kids'll give up their Devil music to feed our holy bonfire."

As an added incentive, he reminded Beatles record collectors that their eternal souls "will not burn in Hell, at least not as long."