Chocolate cake beckons.
MERICAN dieters are getting a little break from Mother Nature's own healthful-food suppressant, Salmonella, as they find it increasingly difficult to locate lower-calorie alternatives that have been cleared by the Food and Drug Administration as even Grade B comestibles, or, "foods not too likely to kill you."
"We are forced to eat more cake and cookies, as long as they're not peanut butter, of course," said Wisconsin dieter Sherie Dickerson, President of the Hungry Dieters of America. She added, "There's just no sense in eating all those salads, with their poison lettuce and spinach, and now sprouts. Could you pass me that bowl of pasta, please?"
Not to be discouraged by the ever-dwindling choice of food stuffs to ingest, Ms. Dickerson says that dieters in her organization are now "more motivated than ever" to search out and consume those items that have not yet been linked to a potentially deadly Salmonella strain. On the top of the list of HDA foods listed as safe and rumored to contain potential nutrients are:
Kentucky Fried Chicken
Fried Snickers on a stick (added fiber)
High Fructose Corn Syrup (64-ounce bottle is most economical)
Little Debbie Double Chocolate Muffins (new!)
Rock Candy (pure cane goodness)
"We want to get our people out there and eating before the FDA slaps a warning on every damn thing," stressed Ms. Dickerson. "I know we're not like camels, but it sure can't hurt to get a little extra layer going on in case there's a sudden food shortage. And then we've got the whole influenza bug spreading far and wide, and that will kill an appetite faster than you can say 'oatmeal.'"
HDA offers support groups "for anyone who needs to talk about all the food scares," said Ms. Dickerson. Nationwide the groups meet Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7:00 p.m. local time at any Dairy Queen, "or, if there's a milk scare, Cinnabon." Everyone is asked to bring a can of frosting for their local food shelf.
© 5.4.09 Kate Heidel