Republicans Open 2010 Congress with Resolution to Rename Great Depression

John Boehner insists things were never as bad as all that way back then, so they're even better than we thought nowadays.

S THE UNITED States Congress reconvenes for its 2010 session, the Republican leadership has indicated that it intends to waste no time in submitting several pieces of what it's calling "groundbreaking legislation" that will make the Democrats' health-care reform "look like a puny weakling by comparison."

House Minority Leader John Boehner says that the first item on the Republican agenda is "our critical Resolution to Rename the Great Depression."

Mr. Boehner said passing the resolution "was paramount in importance" because "the American people have no confidence in our economy. We need to make them understand that the Great Depression has been completely blown all out of proportion by the Democrats. Once the American people realize this, they'll also realize that things really aren't all that bad right now. What America needs from Congress is good news, not bloated government programs to ease their imaginary suffering."

Republicans have released an initial draft of the resolution, which reads:

"Whereas the 1930s is practically ancient history; and whereas most of the footage we have of people standing in various lines was filmed in suspicious, propaganda-style black and white; and whereas most of those people are dead by now; and whereas they could've been standing in line to see Gone with the Wind, or The Wizard of Oz for all we know; and whereas Franklin Delano Roosevelt was a Socialist, like Barack HUSSEIN Obama; and whereas World War II movies show how we kicked ass, which is really hard to do if you've just been in a Great Depression; Congress hereby resolves that the Great Depression be renamed to the more accurate Little Slump of Olden Days."

Next on the Republican agenda are resolutions to rename New York City "Liberaltropolis" and Hillary Clinton "State Czarina From Wellesley."

"We think the American people can handle the truth," said Congressman Boehner. "That's why we'll be calling for a repeal of the Obama fake presidency, based on our facts on the ground about how Kenya isn't a state in the Union, at least not until the Democrats make it one when they get half a chance if you don't watch 'em every minute."