Someone's Getting Only Lumps of Coal in His Christmas Golf Bag This Year

The Claus makes no exceptions in his naughty/nice calculations.

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photo credit: The Lakelander

EPORTERS WHO have obtained unprecedented access to Santa's North Pole toy-making facilities quote unnamed sources as confirming that "a certain golf pro who shall remain nameless" will not only find his Christmas stocking—sewn in the shape of a golf bag—empty of toys this year, but will discover the stocking "positively stuffed" with lumps of coal for being "one bad, bad, highly naughty boy."

The coal tradition dates back several centuries, when Santa Claus decided that there had to be, as early texts quoted him, "something quite startling to incite alarm in the naughty boy or girl. What better then, than a shining, sulfurous lump of black coal, which is not good for anything save a mark of reprobation upon the errant child's woeful head?"

Although coal lumps have usually been reserved for naughty children under 18, exceptions have been found in history, dating at least as far back as 1658, when an adult Louis XIV was cited for "naughtily chasing chambermaids to their exhaustion." Mussolini never received a single, non-coal-related delivery from Santa his entire adult life, and, in recent times, Newt Gingrich broke the record for "most consecutive years of coal-lump Christmases" while holding Congressional office.

In the world of sports, the champion golfer in question has, according to an anonymous elf, "paid a princely sum indeed" to keep his name out of any Santa-related news reports for 2009. "But he never said we couldn't say 'champion golfer,' so there!" added the mischievous toy maker.

Mrs. Champion Golfer, on the other hand, can rest easy knowing that she'll be receiving, according to Santa's helper, "even more than the usual Christmas bounty this year," because, the elf insists, "Santa loves Mrs. Champion Golfer, and her two sweet young ones, too."

While a certain someone upends a stocking full of dirty lumps of coal, his wife and two children can expect "oodles of candy, mountains of toys, and a fully furnished mansion on a Swedish island all their own."

Mr. Champion Golfer could not be reached for comment, but insiders hint he is not fist-pumping over the news.