Governor blames current "Bridgegate" problems on gastric bypass surgery.
photo credit: Gage Skidmore
S THE George Washington Bridge lane closure scandal threatens to focus squarely on New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, aides to the embattled governor say their boss is becoming almost maudlin in his nostalgia for what he's calling "the good old days."
Said one staffer speaking on condition of anonymity, "Governor Christie is clearly pining for the days before the scandal broke, when he used to sit around eating double bacon cheeseburgers for a mid-morning snack, and then yell at and threaten people all day."
Another aide confirmed the depressive behavior, and said Christie blames his gastric bypass for his current troubles.
"He says if it weren't for the bypass surgery, he never would have been distracted by having to eat smaller portions, and would have seen trouble coming a mile away," the aide explained.
"When I tried to cheer him up, he didn't yell at me like in the old days, he just waved me away and got on the scale."
"I never thought it would come to this," the aide continued, "but clearly he's too depressed to be the abusive boss I've been so proud to serve."
Staffers are at a loss as to how to cheer up the governor, since the old methods are no longer possible post surgery.
"We used to bring him a few boxes of Dunkin' Donuts when he was feeling down, and before he was even done with the first box he was yelling loudly enough to be heard all the way down the hall from his office," said another aide. "I hate to say it, but I guess those days are over."
However, rumors are circulating around the Capitol building in Trenton that Governor Christie might attempt to have his bypass reversed.
"I think it may be too much to hope for," said the aide. "But, oh, to hear him threatening people over the phone again. Now that would be morning in New Jersey."
© 1.13.14 Kate Heidel