Babies Resist Would-Be Candy Taker, Despite Popular Cliché

Foiled candy napper has egg on his face, however, in keeping with popular metaphor.

ABY JESSICA Moran, ten-month old resident of Englewood, New Jersey, reportedly led her daycare cohorts in thwarting the attempts of a would-be candy taker by firmly holding on to her lollipop throughout the incident and crying loudly.

According to the police report, Jessica cried "in such a manner as to cause the infants in nearby cribs to also hold tight to their lollipops and join her in loud cries of protest, which startled the perpetrator, who then fled the scene empty handed."

Police say that, "although baby Jessica's actions were impressive," they strongly caution infants in general "not to resist attempted candy theft, because the offense is a lot easier on the perpetrator than on the baby, according to crime statistics kept in the form of clichés."

The would-be stealer of candy from babies was caught five blocks away in a store called "Candyland," known for its premium sweets and specialty popcorn. According to the police report, 21-year-old Jeremy Wallace Germain was apprehended at "Candyland" while purchasing "a small bag of gummy bears and a giant swirl lollipop. The suspect, upon being approached by two uniformed police officers, dropped his gummy bears on the floor and attempted to escape with his lollipop out the back door of the candy establishment. He was immediately apprehended and brought in for questioning."

Mr. Germain, police say, is a petty criminal with a rap sheet of minor thefts, including lickamaid larceny against a two-year-old, candy-cane confiscation from several four-year-olds in line to meet Santa at a local mall, and aggravated salt-water taffy pulling from his three-year-old cousin Jimmy at the Jersey shore.

"He's not nice to the little kids," said one of the arresting officers, "and now he's tryin' to steal candy from the babies. I'm glad we nabbed him, the creep. Alleged creep."

The suspect has refused to cooperate with police until his legally obtained swirl lollipop is returned to him unlicked.