"I'm a breeder . . . so what the hell?" Spears posits.
OBBED BY photographers and reporters at the entrance to Hollywood's Hark Rock Cafe, a visibly auburn Britney Spears announced that she intended to offer "at a great price" her next child to actress Jennifer Aniston.
"The way I look at it, Jen is running out of time and eggs," observed the recently bald pop singer. ìI figure, I'm a breeder, she's pushing 40, so what the hell?"
"Besides," continued Spears, crushing out a cigarette with the toe of her red alligator Manolo, "I'm having enough trouble driving with two kids on my lap. With three, am I supposed to drive with my knee or something? Get a clue, people."
Aniston's publicity manager and personal trainer, Adrian Malone, denied that his client had any interest in acquiring the rights to Spears' next child. "We have no intention of accepting babies from the likes of Ms. Spears," Malone remarked, adding, "Ms. Aniston has much classier fish to fry."
Insiders interpreted Malone's comment as a reference to Aniston's former alliances with Brad Pitt and the 6'5" Vince Vaughn, known in the industry for his lightning comedic delivery and high sperm count.
However, after Vaughn's statement on the Oprah Winfrey show that he had no plans to father children "in the immediate future," the outspoken comedian was inauspiciously dumped by the Aniston camp, which then hastily released a public statement widely considered an olive branch to the gum-chewing Spears. In part, the statement reads:
"Not only do we want Ms. Spears to deliver another healthy, bouncing baby in the near future, we want her to know that Ms. Aniston has always considered Britney to be one of the classiest, most intelligent women alive today. Ms. Aniston says, and we're quoting now, 'Britney can take that to the bank.'"
Just one day after the press release, Entertainment Weekly reported that Aniston's procurement team was in "meaningful negotiations" with Spears' fertilization team.
EW asked Spears whether she would consider parting with a fourth child someday.
"Yeah, I figure," stated the singer, blowing a large pink bubble. "It's a lot easier than organ donation."
© 2007 Kate Heidel
