August Promises It Will Be the 'Best Month Ever'

Skeptics say they've heard it all before.

August 2009 Computer Desktop Calendar
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LTHOUGH JULY has not even reached the halfway mark, August has just released a statement through channels that the year of 2009 "will be my golden opportunity to provide the entire northern hemisphere with the best August it has ever seen." Critics were quick to note that such a claim is dubious given the depressed economy, global warming, and a worldwide flu pandemic.

July expressed immediate disbelief, pointing out what it called "the simple fact that August is dull, dull, dull. You can paint a manila envelope bright red, but it's still a manila envelope underneath. Excuse me while I yawn until I scream with boredom."

But August claims that skeptics are simply behaving like "whiny naysayers" and holding a particular grudge against the eighth month "because Europeans close everything down as soon as I roll around." The last full month of summer insists it has "all kinds of surprises" in store "that will make July look like February warmed over."

For starters, August will declare the 13th of the month "Lucky You! Day" and offer e-coupons for free balloons and "heavily discounted" cotton candy.

"Who doesn't love sugar that looks like pink and blue hair and melts in your mouth?" asked August. "I know I do."

Other changes promised next month are the official renaming of "The Dog Days of Summer" to "The Adorable Puppies of Summer," rerouting all swarms of locust to the New Jersey Turnpike, and giving foreigners vacationing in France special "voyeurism tours" of the apartments left empty by renters on holiday.

Everyone is also encouraged to enter the Early Bird August '09 Giveaway Lollapalooza. The first 100 names chosen on Midnight of August 1st will receive "a free sun visor," plus a 2010 "gag calendar" that humorously excludes both January through July and September through December.

The Grand Prize has not yet been announced, but sources hint it includes "spending at least part of the month of August doing something."