Comb industry said to be tickled pink.
N RESPONSE TO the corruption scandal involving Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, the rules for vetting candidates vying for political positions will soon be updated to include consideration of a candidate's suspiciously bad hair. Some say the changes are long overdue.
Julian Perkins, head of the National Vetting Association and winner of the Vetters Best Hair award three years running, told reporters, "I knew all along this guy was trouble. What man in his right mind would walk out of the house looking like Jack Lord from Hawaii 5-0 on a bad day? I mean, it's 2008, people."
Mr. Perkins passed out a draft copy of rules regarding bad hair vetting procedures. The top five rules are:
1. Vetters must review photos of political exemplars of bad hair to ensure that any similarity to the current candidate's hair is not overlooked. As if that were possible.
2. Bad-hair political exemplars shall initially consist of:
James Traficant, representing wigs placed on head like hat
John Edwards, representing pretty hair on men, a corollary to bad hair
Blago, representing puffy, creepy hair (Welcome to our newest member!)
Eliot Spitzer, representing slimy partial hair
Ted Kennedy, representing Kennedy hair, and thus all the naughty Kennedys past and future
3. No one may be appointed to the vetting committee sporting bad hair. However, he or she may serve as an honorary member of the Bad Hair Exemplars for a term of not more than three years, or upon completion of an improving haircut, whichever comes first.
4. If any vetter suspects that the candidate is just having a good hair day, the candidate may be asked to return for a second hair review, for which no shampooing may transpire in preparation.
5. Vetters may not coach the candidate with hair-grooming tips during breaks, or make surreptitious hair-adjustment motions while in session.
Mr. Perkins told reporters that the new hair-vetting procedures "will provide a strong foundation toward ensuring that Americans are no longer subjected to bad hair, and its almost inevitable companion, sleazy politics," adding that "Watergate never would've gotten off the ground" had a vetting committee existed in the 70s to reject Nixon based on his "greasy slick of a mane."
"Remember," observed Mr. Perkins, "greasy equals slippery, and the rest is history."
© 2008 Kate Heidel